I spent this entire afternoon enduring what seemed to be an endless parade of heart arrhythmia. It was the kind that sends panic through my system. And fills me with a frantic sense of being out of control. I don’t know if it was from the caffeine I drank or the turmeric I took in high dose, both of which are unusual for me. Needless to say I felt absolutely frightened. And I had an epiphany. I realized that despite my panic, I am really not afraid to die. I felt the chaos of being out of control but not the emptiness of despair. I found that I have faith and believe I am going to be cared for by God, even when it is my time. I also realized that I don’t want to die before I do a whole bunch of things, some of which flashed before me today. What I experienced was not life threatening, but it gave me perspective. I do have a bucket list and I’m going to say it out loud here.
I want to experience deep, lifelong relationships – at least from now on. And I want to be there for my friends. I want them to know they can be messed up and falling apart around me and I will still love them and protect their honor. I want to know more love. I was NOT thinking I have to play this song and this song, it was all about relationships and love. Well, and learning French in all its many meanings. And things I want to experience, mostly in nature came up in my heart and mind. And true to what I say jokingly all the time. I want to dance.
Above everything else, the inner journey is what enchants me. Who are my guides? What do I do to move towards that which helps me to be spirited and strong? And to move away from that which weakens me? And most importantly, how can I be careful not to weaken but to strengthen others?
I think the most important choice has everything to do with making this spiritual journey the priority in my life. An outcome of this is peacefulness, joy, and oftentimes very surprising self-discoveries. Clarity.
And then there are the essential relationships. Those that feed my soul and help me feel grounded. Yet they also urge me outside of my comfort zone. As for people who strengthen me, it is in the energy contained in their words, their actions, and their continual presence. I am drawn to the kindness and faith that others give off as well as their wisdom and endurance. I am also drawn by their humility and weaknesses. And on a very personal relationship level, it is their commitment to believing in me and wanting me in their life. It is their just being “in.” Their love.
One thing that weakens me is being afraid of how I look. And another is choosing not to make a choice when I come to a fork in the road and must. I understand that I have to follow my intuition and choose as my intuition guides me. Not to do so is to betray myself. And the choice not to make a choice is only good for a little extra time in choosing. I must use these forks in the road, these portals, as times of deep prayer and trust. And so many times the answer is “wait” but even wait is a choice, and needs to be treated as such. And throughout my life I have learned that if I choose to allow others or society to make choices for my own soul, I feel weakened and immersed in a desperate sadness that won’t go away.
I may be stating what is obvious to others, but I had to learn this over time for myself.
Much, much love to you my friends !!! xo Christine