Whether we are invited to participate or not, life hands us tears to cry.
I have tried to find the wisdom in each woe, with varying degrees of success. Life’s lessons are strangely-colored petals on a psychedelic blossom. So many tall spires in public view, and in lifting them to divine right order. I surrender.
I’m surrendering my life for Divine transformation. I can’t suppress this miserable rose any longer. I’m deeply in love with life, but like every life, mine has its insanities. For instance, this relationship (or lack thereof) with my son. Sixteen now, the little whiffler was adopted from South Korea as a six-month-old baby. I emerged from five miscarriages carrying a paper souvenir of his beautiful face and for months, waiting, kindling my imagination with larger-than-life flowers.
There are reasons adopted children can fail to bond, and I had no idea this could even occur. It is a psychic castle that harbors a hell and, for reasons beyond my control and some I failed to recognize, he cut our relationship off at the pass. I won’t build walls.
I will transform.
I will fill up with love. He is cherished. And yet psychopathetically cold with me. There are so many unprocessed feelings inside me. I allow myself to feel the deep sorrow in quiet moments when I am alone. But these are deep and toxic waters. Or I am the witch and just a spray of this water can melt me. I have entered deeply into these emotions. I don’t know where else they would be accepted or held, other than on this page. And I don’t want them to twist, becoming overwhelming. They need to be felt and, although the flowers are long gone, heard.
And I feel betrayed. Left-out of my child’s love. I have no template for any of this. No way to understand it. I feel as if life has impaled me. I’m ready to have a monstrous brawl with this fate, to walk forward bedraggled and brandishing fists full of seeds. I have faith that bringing light to the darkness of these feelings embedded in my flesh will lead to healing, to the relationships I most yearn for in my heart, to light. To love.